(Disclaimer: I hate emo blog posts but well I’m feeling emo today. I need to vent and I can’t proof this or edit this anymore it’s making me sick so if you’re reading this forgive me. Even this seems so watered down to what I’m really feeling. Someone suggested that I start in slow bits to release some of this so here goes.)
Dear He Who Shall Remain Nameless,
What makes you think that you can continue to bully me around and toss threats at me like miniature grenades? You worked so hard for so many years to dissemble my self and my self esteem. Reassembling the parts of me that you scattered has been an archeology dig of self the past couple of years. I’d slowly unearth one part of me and cradle it in my hands and slide it back into place only to have you come along and tear it all apart.
I’m sick and tired of being your victim. It’s easy to talk big to other people and to look like I’m some sort of survivor but I’m not. To this very day I’m your victim. I recognize the role that I play in this game of yours and I need to break myself free of it. You got me at just the right time. I was young and I didn’t have a clue who I was and so you were able to wrap your hands around the neck of my developing self and squeeze the life out of the me that was waiting to come out. You alienated me from my friends. You made fun of my family. You made fun of me. Then when no one was left you left me too. Now as I’ve worked to build up all of what I lost because of you up you come along and continue to control me and strong arm me whenever you think I’ve maybe just maybe developed more of a life than you are comfortable with.
I have been told how it took courage to leave you and how stronger I seem. It’s all a fucking lie. They don’t see how when you call me I return them right away because I’m scared of the nasty voice mail you’ll leave about how I “Never fucking answer my fucking phone”. They never see how you drive by my house when it’s my weekend without the girls and if there is a car in my driveway you proceed to harass me and threaten me and call into question my parenting (on that topic WTF? Really? I’m a bad Mom because I might have company when they aren’t there? Hmmm maybe I should be like you and invite some flavors of the week to go out to dinner with the girls or take them to a bar where one of them is working to show off your big bad father of the year self). Then you talk crappy about me to our daughter and tell her not to tell me. Then when she comes home she says, “Mom don’t say anything he made me promise not to tell you”. I fall back into my long time role as your victim. I start giving you explanations and excuses and by the time I realize what I’m doing I’m so mad at myself. When withhold information you yell at me and call me names and tell me that I’m a liar. just don’t want you to know who I’m with or what I’m doing. It’s not the end of the world. It’s not like I’m keeping the kids from you. I havelet you victimize me with your words over and over again. Each time you do I feel insignificant, just like I did when we were married.
Why am I so weak?
Please just let me breathe. Let me live my life. Let me make mistakes. Let me screw up. Let me live. Let me raise the girls. Let me do all of this without you.
The thing about you is that I can make the most heartfelt, well-thought out pleas and they will fall on deaf ears because your inability to think beyond yourself. You are so deluded about your own grandeur that you think that everything you do is right and you are so much holier than thou. Well guess what? I’m tired of this. I’m tired of who I am when you come into the scene. I’m tired of appearing competent all the while feeling like a major failure. I am tired of feeling so full of rage at times that I want to yell and scream. I need to be done with this game we have found ourselves in. If I’m ever going to be happy I need to make this stop.
I need to make you stop.
Me
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I wish had some solid advice on how to deal with this hemorrhoid of a human being, but I don’t! I want to go find him and slap him, though, I can tell you that. I’m so sorry that you have to deal with with him at all….
All in all, I think that was a great start! Just getting it off your chest will start to clear your mind so you can move it to the next step — which is dealing with it and resolving it in some way.
(((((HUGE Hugs for You))))))
I wish you the clarity to find your path away from his control. I know all too well how hard that is, but I am also proof that it can happen.
I hope that you find the strength to do what’s best for you.
Remember when you’re ready, you have the power.
You don’t need to make him stop. You need to make yourself stop reacting to his actions. I know it’s a really tough thing to do. I’ve been through it. But remember that any power he has over you he only has because you allow him to have it. Once you no longer let him have that power over you, he won’t have it.
One thing I did with my kids (after over 2 years of feeling like a soggy puppet every time they came back from his house) is that I told them that they were not to tell me anything that happened at their dad’s house or him anything that happened at my house…unless it was something that was hurting them or their siblings. It took them a while but they learned.
We also had to specify in our agreement that he & “she” were not to refer to me in any kind of derogatory language in front of our kids. There were also no calls permitted unless it had to do with visitation issues. Our divorce “agreement” included all sorts of stuff that we had to specify and should not have had to.
There’s other stuff, too. I know it’s very difficult to get through but you will get through it. I’m here. I’ll listen.
Ditto Corina.
Don’t forget — you don’t owe the #*cker anything. You don’t owe him any justification or explanations. You don’t owe him any information about your life. I realize that some semblance of civility is desirable because he is still in your girls’ life, but … if he crosses the line, my guess would be that a restraining order and sole custody awarded to you wouldn’t be a bad thing necessarily.
Your daughter is probably old enough for you to have a talk with her, and let her know that if she hears anything that she has questions about, she can always ask you for information directly. You don’t want to badmouth her dad, but I think it’s probably a good idea to tell her that she can communicate openly with you and not worry that you’ll tell her dad that she broke his confidence. It’s horrible that he is trying to manipulate his children, but — you’re their primary caregiver, and their mother. That’s a very hard bond to break.
It’s true that you’re strong, and that you have courage. Getting away from the clutches of a narcissist bully is something done in stages. You did stage one. You saved your children from being raised full-time by him, and from witnessing a dysfunctional relationship that would have negatively impacted them for the rest of their lives. Don’t underestimate the guts it took to do what you did, nor how important it was for your children.
There are more steps to take now. You’re on the verge of the next step. But you wouldn’t be here if you hadn’t taken the first step first. That how it works, dear one.
Oh god, I also want to go slap him. I wish he were not your daughters’ father, so you could be done with him.
Seems like there is good advice here from people who have gone through this. I am fortunate enough to not have gone through this, so I won’t pretend to know the answers, and instead will only wish you the best in your struggle with the ass.
Stuck between a rock and a hard place. Protecting your kids from emotional harm vs being accused of parental alienation. Selfish dumbass men who don’t care about anyone but themselves.
Keep working everyday on being a stronger you. Don’t beat yourself up when you catch yourself slipping…just jump back in there. It’s not easy. It took years to lose your “strong” self and it will take a while to find her again. Don’t lose hope and don’t give up. It will get harder and harder for him to “push your buttons” until one day you realize his power has faded. Don’t get me wrong, it will probably get worse before it gets better. When he realizes he’s losing power, he’ll step up the game, but you can defeat him. And just think how awesomely strong you’ll be when you come out the other side!!
CJ